I think Steve is right with his comment to yesterday’s blog. Too much self-analysis is not a good thing. However, I remain cautious, because I know my confidence has been badly dented, perhaps irrevocably lost. Confidence has a foundation. If there’s a strong foundation, confidence is high. When the foundation of a building is made of concrete and steel, and the building is built on rock, the builders can be confident it will stand.*
My self-analysis shows there is a structural weakness within the building, and the ground upon which it stands is like putty.
Indulging in a little more self-analysis, I know that my physical strength is not what it used to be. I have to be exceptionally careful not to put a strain on my back – the consequences of cricking it are debilitating and painful. Lugging and hauling the boat on her trailer is therefore problematical. I have to take care when handling the outboard, retrieving an anchor and when moving any heavy objects. I am less agile than I was, which means I am unable to easily move around in the cabin, and if for any reason I have to go on deck, I have to take great care not to end up in the water. If I did, getting back in the boat would most likely not be possible. In 2008, when I fell off ‘Faith’, I had great difficulty in doing so.
The biggest hurdle to overcome is my lack of desire for being on the water. Since desire is the driving force, without it there is no motivation. As I’ve said, before, I find this state of affairs perplexing, numbing and shocking, but facts are facts, and there are other unmentioned and personal reasons for my lack of zest.
There is one hope, however, and that is to get back on the horse, and give it another go. If my desire is not rekindled, I shall know the time has come for me to retire from sailing; in which case, I shall not be saddened, because I know I’ve had many wonderful times afloat.
* Luke 6:46-49
Objective Assessment – To Sail, or not to Sail